Men Explain Power Dynamics to Me 

Last summer, my friend and I were sitting on the back porch of her house chatting with her 30-something year old roommate. It was one of those warm Colorado nights in July, where the air is still, and the tree studded peaks of the Front Range paint a thin line between us and the stars. The whole interaction was really quite forgettable- I wish it stayed that way- until the roommate said, “Ya know, women choose to be inferior to men.” My friend and I exchanged horrified glances, but he obliviously continued on, making a sloppy argument with a drink in one hand and sexism in the other. “Women don’t want power, or maybe they can’t handle it, I’m not really sure cuz I’m not a woman. What I do know is having the power in a situation is a choice.”

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I snapped out of my shock induced silence to say, “Do you really think that’s true? Do you really think that a woman would choose to be overpowered? Come on dude think about rape. People don’t choose that.” Here you would think there would be no point of contention, but he went on and on about how even then, a woman chooses to put herself in that situation. She chose to drink irresponsibly, to wear that dress, or to be at that party. Here this 30-something-year-old man was incessantly lecturing at two 19-year-old girls about power dynamics. The irony was lost upon him.

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I sat back in my chair, silent with tears stealthily creeping down my cheeks, genuinely scared. Not of this irrelevant meathead across the table, but of all the men who actually think this way. But he didn’t notice or care, not even stopping after my friend repeatedly interjected to try and end the conversation. There’s something about being a young woman that makes it so hard to just get up and leave a situation. Maybe because we were raised by a generation where being polite and making yourself small was how women got around safely.

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Every woman has to take this consideration of safety into account while going about her day-to-day activities. Don’t go anywhere alone at night. Don’t wear ear buds while walking down the street. Don’t wear that outfit. We learn to fear our own existence. But before this becomes our reality, we are all born thinking the world is ours for the taking. Growing up in the early 2000’s there was this false notion fed to little girls that the feminists had won, and gender equality had prevailed. Sure, there hasn’t been a Madam President, but women can vote and got to college and get whatever job they’re qualified for. With this in mind, I went into the world, fearlessly and full of passion and hope. There is this sort of entitlement to opportunity we all have when we’re young and just starting to learn about the world, but the callused hands of life tend to put us in our place. I think the difference between men and women is that when we all grow up, men are still able to hold onto this sense of entitlement. Some men.  

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When I was 15 this became very apparent to me. The 2016 elections were underway, and just about a month before the vote, Donald Trump’s infamous “Access Hollywood” tape was circulating throughout the media. On tape, President 45 said “You can do anything… Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.” Every voter in America heard the tape, yet he was still elected to office, with some men chocking it up to “locker room talk.” It was that bitter November morning, walking into school and seeing a slew of boys sporting MAGA hats that I knew gender equality had most definitely not won.

 

Here, I want to add that I have many lovely friends that are men, and who march right alongside me during the Women’s March and would gladly go to the mat to fight for woman’s rights. These are the men that breathe hope into the future, but people like Mr. Irrelevant and Donald Trump and every person who voted for him paint a clear picture on why the fight must continue.

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A year later, and a year none the wiser, the world witnessed #metoo go viral. In 2006 the “Me Too” movement was founded by Tarana Burke, raising awareness for woman who were victims of abuse and sexual violence. Flash forward to October of 2017 and a tweet form actress Alyssa Milano, asking woman who have been experienced sexual assault or harassment to post #metoo. Her tweet was in response to her sexual assault accusations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. The power behind the movement was undeniable, catalyzing the investigation and incarceration of Weinstein on accounts of rape and sexual assault. Not only this, but it shined a much-needed light on how prevalent sexual assault and harassment is. At 16, I knew that about 1 in 5 women have experienced rape or attempted rape in the U.S., but the Me Too movement made this statistic a reality. It also brought me to terms with how urgently we need to address the gender driven power dynamics in this country.

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I think one of the most import tools we have is our ability to voice our opinions and concerns, even if it is only in casual conversation. As a 20-year-old college student, I don’t have the title in front of my name, announcing that I can be an expert upon a subject, even when it concerns my own womanhood. This past winter, I was again chatting with an older man about gender equality. The conversation proceeded in a similar fashion to the first, with Mr. Irrelevant II explaining to me, “I think a lot of women lie about being raped as a cover to hide the embarrassment for hooking up with some random ugly dude. That’s why they don’t prosecute the poor fucker.” The difference this time is that I was armed with facts, so I replied with “Did you know that out of 1000 sexual assaults, only about 5 rapists will be incarcerated? Maybe that’s why women don’t come forward. But what do I know, I’m only a woman.” He walked away from my piercing glare I’ve been perfecting over the years (every woman has one). He gets to walk away because this is not his reality, not his fight he has to grapple with every day.

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As the fourth wave of feminism continues to fight against the power dynamic between men and women that has been sown into the fabric of our society, powerful icons like Angela Merkel, Michelle Obama, Stacy Abrams, Kamala Harris, and countless others hold a candle to ward away the darkness of our past, and the woman of my generation hold a floodlight towards the future. We have fought for the right to vote, to have ideas, to have bodily autonomy, to be equal human beings so that one day there will no longer be a fight, as the battle will be won.